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(no subject)

I'm kind-of angry today.

I'm actually not worried about anything. Sure, there's stuff to worry about: C's career; money; my car. I mean, the world is a trash fire full of tragedy. Brazil electing a fascist is a bad sign.

I'm just kinda angry about the past. And hungry. For days, I've eaten enough, but I'm still hungry. Drinking water hasn't helped -- just gives me heartburn.

Part of realizing my first marriage was 20 years ago, I start thinking of what went down just after and I was too naive and insecure to assert myself. And now that I'm reminded, it's itching. I'm not going to dwell. I'm going to try to forget. Yet,
I kinda want to egg her house. (I'm not going to egg her house)



Saw my doctor to discuss the results of my sleep test and my testosterone test. Results say my testosterone level is way above the normal max. There' was clearly a mistake, as I'd be climbing the walls with energy, burning calories and getting angry. But hey, I already had the tits.

So, after a cancelled appointment and a long wait, today, I have to get another T test and arrange to get the results. I've lost interested in the whole effort.

Oh, and I need to lose weight.

Again. I don't care anymore. I give up.



Mom: "We went to Mandarin for H's birthday"
Dad: "I tried to invite you, but you didn't answer"
Me: "Oh, that's a bummer. I hear it's a nice buffet"
Sister: "Yeah it's great."
Me: "One of my employees was going on and on about it then discovered they took crab off the menu. Now he hates it"
Sister: "Yeah, I heard other people are disappointed about the crab"
Dad: "You could have gone if you'd talked to me."
Me: "Oh gee. I'm not that hard to get a hold of. Did you leave a voicemail?"
Mom: hint of sarcasm "Your father doesn't leave messages"
Me: "Or email, or call the house, or Facebook, or ask the techs to page me...
Dad: "I didn't realize I needed an appointment to see you."
Me: "What? No, but I didn't realize I needed to watch all my phones 24 hours a day for the rare possibility you may call."

In short time, he interrupted me in the middle of something important I was talking about so make me fix his computer. He wasn't listening, and whatever it was was not as important as his wifi crapping out.

This is "Knives-out" in my family. I know your families throw literal knives and set each other on fire, so no1curr, but this is the most sass I've given in a while. I'm actually a little proud of myself. Mind you, I suppose I should have used a different language.

"You sound disappointed I didn't go dad. I'm disappointed I didn't get to see you, either. Maybe we can work together to get in the habit of keeping in touch."

But I don't wanna.


(no subject)

In therapy:

"no, that's not guilt, that's shame" "I don't understand the difference."

In a flash of insight, I realize I actually do not understand the difference. I am completely at a loss. And I feel really bad about it.

I needed distraction. Mindless entertainment.

"I'll watch Big Mouth! Oh look, a new character: David Thewlis is The Shame Wizard! FUCK ME!"


porny food

Made madeleines. They're nicely nipply.

too dark madeleines

A little dark, but they look nice with sugar on them.

sugar-coated madeleines

I put up a sign "free madeleines" at work and they were gone before lunchtime.


(no subject)

I don't know how to console my wife, so I'm just going to annoy her with my inability to toss old clothes. That's sure to help.


(no subject)

I had to get blood work this morning. Went before breakfast because they always ask me if I've fasted and I'm never told I need to fast before hand. Anyway, the blood taker was miserable and busy, but did a good job. I didn't feel it at all and she filled 5 vials in no time. Most of the time, it feels like they use a square needle.

Then, Tim Hortons was too busy to get something to eat on the way to work. So, now I'm hangry. And there's mint Girl Guide cookies on the kitchen table and I am not buying any. Nope! Argh!

Got a demo of the phone alert system last night. EC threw a tornado warning because they considered the storm serious enough to warrant it. After Ottawa last week, people are more alert. Luckily, there was no tornado. TBH, I wouldn't be too upset if a Tornado killed me. It'd spare me having to complete my insurance claim I keep stalling. Y'all would miss me for a day or two. Remember me kindly. I've always loved you.

However, the only thing I will die of today, is starvation, and I might have to go a few more hours for that.

Blood work is to test if the depo has changed anything. I don't feel different. My energy level seems fine. Am I depressed? fuck, yes! I've stopped gaining weight.

Back in my 20's I had to take depo shots. It had a dramatic effect: Felt like I drank a pot of coffee. Oh, and these sudden images of bending random women over to roger them. I know it's a bad time to opine on male sexuality, but there you go.
Women got much prettier and boobs. I remember commenting to a friend "Holy shit! I was a prig as a teen but thought I had a sex drive. I didn't realize what actual puberty lust felt like. Is this how all men feel?" My friend: "Oh, that's not because you're a man. It's because you're French!"

TL;DR, I'm horny and hungry.


(no subject)

Ever miss your twenties? Talk to a 20-something.

"Steve. It's been a while since I've seen you and I guess you heard I'm dating a woman with a kid. I'm not really into it, but listen to me. She has NFL Network so I can watch any Rams game I want. And I can pause and replay. And she's on assistance and expects me to help her raise my kid. I met her through my cousin who said she wanted something casual. Then the first time I meet her kid, he's in his bedroom screaming and she goes 'I need you to talk to him. I gotta get out of here' and leaves the house! So I offered him some Butterfingers because when I was a kid, a Butterfinger made me feel better. But he just THREW THEM AT ME. So I guess that doesn't work. I'm 26, she's 25 and the kid is 6 and I don't need this. My cousin is in shit with me because she definitely wants someone to help her raise her kid and I shouldn't be in this. But, the NFL season just started. And it's $300 and I think she got the service for me."

"Dude. I'm totally going to blog this."


(no subject)

I'm having recall issues. I hope I'm not forgetting. I mean, there's a lot of shit in there, but it's not coming out at will. For instance, I can't remember that delicious cylinder-shaped mollusc. Not abalone, the other one. I can google it, but that's not the point. My brain won't release it.

I'm not tired, or distracted. Well, I'm always tired and distracted but today isn't notable.


I went crazy and looked it up. Scallops. But now I'm worried because even after I saw the word, it didn't feel right. I was thinking there was an O in there and a D. I dunno, it's really bothering me.

If I ever forget you: remember how much I loved you.


danger: whinging about my first marriage

People who haven't known me for long probably don't know I was married before Dr C. In fact, today is the 20th anniversary. I remember it well. Two step kids. Good times. We held it in the backyard. Despite the threats for rain, it completely missed us.

I also remember at nearly the 5 year mark, she declared it was over. We were at a nearby park.

"I don't know how to say it"

"Just be blunt"

She had on mirrored sunglasses. I had to stare at myself as she said she'd been unhappy for a long time, stopped loving me and was no longer attracted to me.

Because I'd been expecting a serious talk for 2 days, I took with calmness. I made some entreaties. References to positive moments in the past. She said there was no point to counseling. She tried counseling and separations before and she knows when it's over. At some point, I said this gives a bad message to the kids. She said it would be worse for them to be dishonest.

I said I didn't want to be where I wasn't loved and I should move out while they're at the Florida dance competition the following month.

I made some monologue about how she made me feel like a stranger in my own home, which was never mine and though they'll forget me within a year, I'll never forget this. "Have a happy fucking life" and walked back to the house. Her brother pedaled up to me on his new bicycle to say hi.

"Hey Steverino. Just trying out my new bike."
"Monique just dumped me. She's at the park."
"Oh shit. What? I'm really sorry Steve. She's at the park?"

I saw him comforting her at the side of the road. She was sobbing in his arms.

I then went into the back yard and threw all the furniture against the fence. Resin chairs explode in a pleasurable way, PS. I then pulled a log out of the fire pit I made and somehow it made all the sense in the world to throw it at the picnic table her ex made until it was splinters. The picnic table sitting on the spot where we exchanged vows. I barely gouged that fucker before I got tired and lost interest.

I left and visited my sister who threw a kitten in my hand "Hold TJ! You can't be unhappy while holding a kitten". I watched Mulan with my niece and nephew.

M and I had agreed to tell the kids together. She broke that promise, too.

First, I wanted to remember the details. Then I realized that that gave me no solace.

So I tried to forget and then I felt guilty for forgetting. If someone doesn't remember, what's the point to anything? It's just the awful unresolved feeling. Like not enough was done. Something was missed. If I had been a better person everything would work.

Christmas was Hell. I had called the kids to see if they wanted to meet. I could feel their discomfort over the whole thing. Who am I to them? How can I be a part of their lives?
It was then that I decided to see a therapist. I'd bent enough ears. Plus, everyone had mixed opinions.

I dated someone a year later. She was so sweet but it was impossible and she ended things when she needed to. And it hurt so bad. Hurt more than with M. Hurt because of M. I know because I was talking to my therapist about the recent break-up when I somehow transitioned to "and I begged and pleaded and I said all I wanted her to do was hold me and tell me she loves me and she said she couldn't!" and my heart broke like it had never broken before and I sobbed and sobbed. But I felt better. I mean, 15 years later, I'm still hurt and angry. But honestly, it wasn't until then that it *finally* dawned on me that what *I* want has zero effect on the world.