how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

(no subject)

Holding her close I consider how nice this moment is. That everything that has happened in my life has lead to this moment. Every decision she and I have made have lead to this.

Then I think, would I be the same person if I was born at a different time? Would I be a dove or a hawk during WW2? You know everyone likes to think they would have been the one to try to stop the Holocaust, yet do nothing to stop the oh so many atrocities in the world. Would I have the customs/racism of someone at that time? There's no way to tell, as I'd be a different person. So at what point am I a different person? Born from my parents, I assume.

But what if I was born a week earlier, or a week later. Would I be the same? Probably not. The adventure would have started different. Would that guy be a better or worse person? Sadly, no one would miss me because there WAS a Paul Steven Perrault born. Or maybe the other me would have a different name. A week earlier, my grandparents would have held it at Paul. A week later, my mother might have have dug in more and called me Michael. Does my name make me? What makes me me? How close in time do these ersatz Paul/Steve/Mikes need to be born at the same time as me to be me? It's impossible. So narrow that to just the moments before and after I was actually born, the limit me, do I even actually exist?

"What are you thinking about?"

"You."

"Aw. That's sweet."

how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

(no subject)

I'm still having trouble with my insurance claim. It's just the listing of items to submit. And describing them and their value. One item after another.

I woefully underestimated the time involved and the value of my stuff. And I took shit photos with my phone.

I lost 43 records. I thought it was just a couple dozen. I don't know now to value them, or anything else I own. And the whole thing just upsets me. I've avoided it too long, but man, I don't want to do this...

how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

Review - "A Futile and Stupid Gesture"

Watched the documentary on National Lampoon's Doug Kenney, "A Futile and Stupid Gesture". I can't complain about the weird pace, because I spent more much time reading Wikipedia entries while pausing than enjoying the darn film. Kenney is the co-creator of the Lampoon and co-wrote Animal House and Caddyshack before dying.

There were a few moments where I thought "hey, that was clever" and then a lot of "Argh! I hate coke-heads."

It's hard to grasp the nostalgia for the 70's -- a decade I barely remember. I guess I'll have to focus on Ready Player One.

One thing of note: Thomas Lennon as Michael O'Donoghue was wonderful. I'd love to see a film of just him.

how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

(no subject)

I think I'm less depressed. When did this happen? Have I accepted my insignificance in a large uncaring universe? Did the testosterone finally kick in?

Now? I'm bored.

My therapist: "Don't read into this but you look different. You don't seem so weighted. I mean, you mentioned something that bothered you but you aren't dwelling on it, and you're not escalating other things. I can see the change in your eyes and posture."

Me: "I bought a new shirt"

how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

(no subject)

Have you ever hung around people and then suddenly realize, wait, they don't want to. They're just being polite. Or even mean. You assume any undermining unkind words is just teasing, because that's how friends talk, right? So you step back and realize, they don't really care or miss you.

You grow out of that, right? Right?

slick
sacramentalist

(no subject)

My company is upset the Ontario Energy Board wants to dramatically increase the fees for utility pole access. I was reading up on the OEB and saw repeated acronym reference to the people who proposed the new tariff -- the Pole Attachment Working Group, but I didn't know that right away. Googling PAWG was... distracting. (it's a porn keyword)

how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

(no subject)

HRT is a lie.

Speaking of hormones. Dog likely has Cushing Syndrome (over-active adrenal gland). She's always has symptoms, except the tell-tale pot belly. She's been on Prednisone so we have to ween her off that before approaching the Cushing's (or Cushing...)

Saw my wife for the first time in 2 months this weekend. It didn't take long to get the feeling I'm an annoying bother. That makes her sound bad but what happened is her boss emailed her some edits Saturday afternoon which kicked up her anxiety and she can't think of anything else. I'm understanding but, fuck.

I have bought 2 packs of underwear which don't fit. I give up and I am going to keep wearing my moth-eaten underwear until I'm not wearing any at all.

hungry
sacramentalist

(no subject)

My doctor says I'm overweight. I didn't know they still did that. He said I should keep an eye on my calories.

For dinner I had 3 slices of Dominoes, 5 chicken wings, several brownies and a scoop of gelato

Birthday meals aren't fattening, right?

how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

(no subject)

Today, I am 48.

Fat, old, and alone. Shitty car. Shitty home. Wife doesn't live with me. No friends. No respect. Talentless. And my dog is dying.

Look at the man who always has a kind word. Nice fellow, but don't look too closely: His clothes are fraying. His eyes are red.

how_much_does_a_hemingway
sacramentalist

(no subject)

Do you know what your triggers are? I mean, what sets you off irrationally. I know some people get violent about some things but don't acknowledge the irrational aspect of it. They're creative enough to justify their outrage over a slight. I lack that skill.

What ticks me off is when an underling will say they were talking to my boss about something I asked them to do.

"We need this done by Monday."
"Should be Tuesday, as (owner) and I were talking about it last night. But, whatever."
Then I forward (owner)'s email saying it's Monday.

I know I get my back up way too high. But both the dismissive response and the threat of being out of the loop gets me very pissy.

Do you have any obvious trigger points?


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Another: Calling me with the greeting "where are you?" which used to have soooo many meanings in my previous relationship

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