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Today, I am 48.

Fat, old, and alone. Shitty car. Shitty home. Wife doesn't live with me. No friends. No respect. Talentless. And my dog is dying.

Look at the man who always has a kind word. Nice fellow, but don't look too closely: His clothes are fraying. His eyes are red.

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Hey. Hey.

Fat is relative. Old is relative. You're not alone.

Shitty house, shitty car is also relative.

You have a wife who loves you.

You have talent.

You have friends.

You have respect.

Poor doggy, but she has lived a good life and that's because of you.

Please do something nice.

Happy birthday.

I appreciate your effort. It means a lot to me.

I'm sorry you're sad, but I'm glad you're here. Many happy returns!

Get yourself a little present.

Ugh. I don't know what. I was going to buy myself lunch, but it got delayed, so I just had McDonalds. Then I was going to buy myself dinner, but THAT got delayed. So I just went home and moped.

I'm sorry you're sad - I understand.
I hope you feel better tomorrow <3

Edited at 2018-01-11 04:48 am (UTC)

yeah i know that feeling.

some birthday years are good, some suck.

I was just thinking I've turned 16 3 times. Coincidentally, I don't remember turning 16 or 32. However, I remember 17 and 33, and THOSE SUCKED. I hope this isn't the case when I'm 49.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad.

I don't know how to shake it. It's like bring in a dark pit, but being afraid to climb out because everything is on fire.

See. You have friends.

Feeling sad sucks. :(

I don't know how to shake it. It's like bring in a dark pit, but being afraid to climb out because everything outside of the pit is on fire.

I know I shouldn't compare. I don't care about weight. I just don't like knees hurting and I hate my clothes not fitting. Buying new clothes just scares me.

I'm not sure what to say, I wish I could help. All I've got is the standard advice about seeing doctors and taking what they tell you to take. I don't think I've ever experienced real, clinical depression.

Can you look at the things that are on fire, one by one, and figure out how to put them out? Can you isolate them from each other and just focus on one? When I feel overwhelmed, the to-do list is my best friend. I don't know if it works when it's more serious or if maybe you need to do the doctor-and-medicine thing first to get a stable base.

The weight thing, I get that. My back hurt when I was at my heaviest, and everything was more difficult, from walking and stooping on up.

I'm not going to give you advice on weight loss, you know it all already. Mine is happening* because I got out of a relationship, started walking to work for a while, replaced that with cycling and My Fitness Pal, and then added swimming, and now exercise classes. If there's anything in there that inspires you (apart, I hope, from ending a relationship), with my blessing. If not -- I believe you'll get there someday.

*I've lost something over 15lbs but I want to lose more and so I say "is happening" to make myself believe it is not over...

I don't even know if it's real clinical depression. I've tried a couple antideps and they didn't seem to have any effect. Then my psychiatrist left the country and I stopped trying. When I was whining to my therapist that I can't even be depressed right, he laughed. I don't take offense to that, as it was funny.

As for my therapist, he tried to give me a reminder of how things have been over the years and asked me to consider that things are improving. Life's hard. Don't compare myself to others. Stuff like that.

What's probably happening is anxiety. The depression is an unhealthy way to avoid it.


Anyway, really I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.

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