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sacramentalist

mom mom issues are everyone else's mom issues

If you don't want to rub me the wrong way, don't project your mother issues on my mother. My mom is a nice lady. Non-confrontational. I love my mom. I don't call her enough. And yet, I seem to attract people with shitty mom issues and they want to provoke me. I don't take the bait but it fucking annoys me.

The worst was a previous girlfriend. She'd rattle on about how all her terrible exes had mom issues and she'd troll me all the time and I knew if I said a word she'd label me as "yet again a guy with mom issues"

So I'd get:

Me: "I just found out my mom was afraid of thunderstorms. She said she didn't mind my sister and I hiding in the bed because she's always had problems with them"
Her: "Oh? I didn't realize your mom was a COWARD"
Me: "..."

Exceptionally, my first wife didn't do this. She liked my mom and found my parents foibles endearing (even when they bothered me). C is no exception. It would be impolite to discuss her stuff, but she's got issues. And she's put off by my mother. Really, they're just both hypersensitive and probably think they hate each other. If we lived in a sitcom, I'd trick them and lock them in a room and let them become best friends. However, I like to think they're all adults who should be treated as such.

In truth, C adores the mom of her ex. She'll go on and on about how much she misses this lady -- how she wishes she was her mother. She'd rather never see her ex again, but when she waxes historic she'll go on and on how the only reason they worked as a couple was his supportive family. I think that's sweet but C has nothing to do with my mother.

"Look at me being all nostalgic, tonight. You really don't like it when I go on about J's mom, do you?"
"It's 11pm. I'm gonna go to bed"
"Oh. ok"

The whole thing makes me tetchy. I can't have a mature conversation because I can still see my ex baiting me. Waiting to strike. "just say one nice thing about your mom, and I'm gonna proove you're a creepy creep!"

The injustice of the thing just peeves me.

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"I just found out my mom was afraid of thunderstorms. She said she didn't mind my sister and I hiding in the bed because she's always had problems with them"

Aww. :) See, that's about the cutest thing.

Your ex was out of line. Even if they thought your mom had some annoying qualities, that doesn't give YOU mom issues. (I mean, I find my mother-in-law (and mother!) to have plenty of annoying foibles, but I don't think D has any mommy issues--parents are going to have foibles and weirdness because they're human people and human people are weird.)

Families drive each other nuts. It's gonna happen. It's comforting to know I'm lucky enough to know there's love behind it, somewhere. I got my own foibles from my parents, and I'm only just NOW working that out. Slowly.
But woe to an outsider saying something bad about my parents. Except for that one case. I feel guilty for never addressing the repeated digs because I let that happen. I know she was projecting. But it was still shitty and it was never resolved (she's since ghosted me: Talk about cowards. Ha!) Unresolved confrontation? I get that from my parents.

C's still salty my mom didn't go to our wedding practice. I said it was a casual thing she didn't have to go to (which is true) and she can't blame the woman for what I said and she didn't even invite her own mother. So "don't blame my mom for doing what you tried to stop your mother from doing". And oh I'd never seen my fiancee so angry. And we fought in front of our maid-on-honour. I chalked it up as wedding jitters, but it has since been mentioned and 7 years later, I'm sure C still think my mom hates her.


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